This past week marked the one year anniversary of when my ex left. I didn't think it would be as painful as it was. But it really was quite painful. I couldn't stop thinking about my old life, comparing where I am now from where I once was. I'm a world away from where I used to be.
My life is still a bit unrecognizable, at least to me. I spent 13 years with my ex and maybe it just takes a lot longer to shake that off than what I realized. I still have a difficult time with the everyday reality of single life. I don't have a good way to explain this. The only people who could understand it are the people who were married for a long time and then suddenly and inexplicably found themselves...not married. Married life in suburbia is vastly different than the single life in an apartment, though. Trust me on this - it really is.
The last year has changed me. This is something else I'm not sure how to explain except to say that I'm not who I once was. There wasn't a single thing in my life that wasn't affected by the divorce and there was very little I didn't lose by the end of it all. I was proverbially stripped bare when my marriage ended so it stands to reason that I'm a different person now. I've spent a lot of time measuring those changes...trying to gage exactly what about me is different. As it turns out, everything is. I'm a lot harder and tougher now than I used to be. In fact, it's a level of toughness that surprises me from time to time. I think I've always been strong, but I'm not sure I was ever this kind of strong before. As much as it may suck, I can hold my own with anything - no matter what happens. And I have a far greater ability to take feelings out and insert only practical reasoning in many situations (this is huge for me because I've long been a right-brained, artsy, somewhat flaky person). It takes a lot more to actually hurt my feelings and I'm quicker to anger than be hurt.
I'm far more willing to take chances and try new things and yet, I'm really not willing to put up with pointless, meaningless crap anymore. I'm more honest now and I find I have a more difficult time censoring myself (this isn't necessarily a good thing, mind you - I find myself saying a little too often, "I just said that out loud, didn't I?"). And yet, I value compassion and kindness even more than what I used to. I have a far greater ability to compartmentalize my feelings - I can set them aside and focus on other things... and if I want, never come back to them again (the funny thing about this is that it's a very Scarlett O'Hara mindset to set things aside and think about them later, but men are generally the ones who are very good at doing this). I'm able to be more apathetic about other peoples' opinions and judgments and trust my own gut instinct instead (this can be both good and bad).
I've never been great with change. By nature, I'm a "nester" - I like to have my own familiar space with familiar things and people and situations. Change has generally been a difficult thing for me. At least until the last year. I daresay that change will never again be difficult for me.
I'm also a lot more open to people and things than I used to be. As much as an introvert as I've always been, this severing of my old life has led me to meet great new people from all over the country who I wouldn't have met otherwise. I've also made some wonderful new friends in the area in which I live and I have such fun spending time with them. I've reconnected with some family in the area which has been comforting and a lot of of fun. I even have a pen-pal in the Channel Islands now. We correspond once a week and luckily she and I have enough in common that it's a fun correspondence. I would definitely say my life is richer and more interesting because of these new people. But the old me would have had a far more difficult time doing any of this.
Finally, in the coming weeks, I'll be interviewing for a job that flies in the face of all things introverted. It would involve frequent contact with new people and situations, fundraising for my museum, promoting the museum and being a more public presence. I can say with complete honesty that this is something I NEVER would have considered doing before. But I'm not only considering it, I'm looking forward to the challenges and opportunities that the job will present. Of course, I say this now, but I may regret this new found enthusiasm for extroversion once I have to start tackling public speaking...
The last few days have been "up" days for me. The 2 weeks prior to this were definitely painful. My life can still somewhat be a "one day at a time" existence. A cousin of mine recently said that she wished she could fast foward her life by several years to see what was coming and then come back to the present day with that knowledge of the future. I can't help but agree. I wonder every single day what's coming down the road and if what's coming will be better than what's been. People tell me that things will eventually again be happy overall. And that, as always, all things merge into one.
Very well written and interesting. I have to say that although I was not married for a long time prior to my divorce, which was my choosing, I can relate to many of these "new-you" feelings/behaviors. While I am not proud to admit these things, I am definitely more hardened, less sympathetic/more apathetic towards others', and at times wonder just when the filter between my thoughts and spoken words disappeared.
ReplyDeleteI do think you have come a long way in the last year. I can see healing taking place.