Sick Day

I'm home sick today which means I'm piled up in bed, flipping channels with a cat on either side of me.  For my cats, it's a novelty for me to stay in bed all day and I think they feel duty bound to take advantage of my captive state.  I doubt they leave my side all day.

I'm not the best sick person.  For me staying in bed all day isn't a good thing, no matter what the reason is. It gives me to too much time to think.  Okay, I don't really think so much as I worry and brood.  And since so much of my life is still so much up in the air, I can't help but worry and brood.  I've been trying for a while now to take each day, one day at a time.  Sometimes this works.  Other times...not so much. 

The things I currently brood about?  Oh, just about everything. As I've mentioned before, I'm an introvert and an intense one at that.  I've never been someone who can just throw caution to the wind and let life take me wherever it may. So when life throws me curve balls (which is all life has done over the last few years), I brood and worry.  The biggest thing I worry about is what I'm going to do with the entirety of the rest of my life....which is pretty big.  I keep telling myself that somehow, some way, things will eventually work out and fall into place. And then I remember I've been telling myself this for two very long years and I go back to brooding and worrying.

I envy the carefree people in life.  I also envy the people who are able to look at things through a strictly logical lense.  Depending solely on logic means no emotion and therefore no worry. Anyway....

I have to make a big decision soon about whether to stay in the museum world or leave it.  I have a job interview in another city on Friday.  I've decided that if this one doesn't pan out, it will be the last out of town interview I'll pursue.  Unless something miraculous happens between now and the new year, I'm leaning toward finding a way out of museum work and staying in the city I currently live in.  This means having to make some other decisions I'm not terribly comfortable making and it also means trying to figure out what new career to pursue.  I truly have no idea what else I'd like to do and that's frightening. 

Another year is about to come to a close.  It's weird how when you go through a difficult time, each day seems like it will never end.  And when the end of the year finally approaches, it's equally difficult to believe it's already here. I'm hoping to find answers to a lot of questions over the next year.  I'm also hoping to end up in a place where I can take a break from worrying and brooding.

The Death of Dating?

Aaannndd....I'm back after a month long hiatus.  Between the one year anniversary of my divorce, what would have been my wedding anniversary and finding out my ex is in a serious relationship, I needed to wallow for a while.  Boy, did I wallow.  But now I'm back.

The topic on my mind now is dating.  I'm trying yet again to give online dating a try and all I can say is oy vey.  It’s truly a jungle out there.  In the few weeks since I’ve tackled online dating again, I’ve been contacted by a variety of guys.  Some send a message saying “hey” with no other introduction whatsoever.  Just the word “hey”.  Other guys from a variety of ethnic backgrounds have started their messages to me saying “I’m hoping you’ll reply because if you don’t, I have to assume you’re a racist”….because nothing inspires me more to communicate than being insulted right off the bat.  And yesterday…on Thanksgiving...I was contacted by a guy who says he’s a sheep herder by day and a ninja by night.  I kid you not.  He even has a ninja photograph for his profile.  By the way, his profile mentions nothing else other than sheep herding and being a ninja.  There are no words….

Did society’s ability to communicate and date descend into a realm of hell while I was married?  Or did it just die altogether?  Back in the day (and yes, I’m old enough to use those words now), dating was simpler.  It really was.  You met a guy and you flirted a little.  There was eye contact and a spark.  The guy would ask for your number and then place an actual phone call to ask you out on a date.  Not a text.  A phone call.  They would call no later than the middle of any given week and ask for a date for Friday or Saturday night.  The guy would show up at your home on the designated night to pick you up, he would open the car door and pay for the date.  The date was usually something like dinner and a movie.  And this first date was the equivalent of a job interview.  It was just two people sitting down to dinner and trying to decide if the spark could be anything more than just a spark.  If the first date went well, there would be a second date and so on.  There was no commitment, no pressure…it was just simple dating.  Furthermore, guys took the initiative, pursued the girl and asked her out (and by the by, women dearly and passionately like men who do this).  It was a given that there would be times they faced rejection just like it was a given that girls might not get asked out by the guy they were interested in.  Neither one was the end of the world.  But everyone knew their roles.  Guys weren’t terrified of a girl who might like him too much and women weren’t forced to obsess over the meaning of things than can’t be interpreted.   (On a side note, I have yet to ever talk to a guy who truly prefers an aggressive female or a female who takes on the traditional male role of doing the pursuing. Seriously, I have yet to meet a guy who says, “sign me up for the passive role, I want to be aggressively pursued).

Today people hang out and hook up and don’t go on actual dates until they consider themselves a couple.  They text and message via Facebook and avoid real life conversations like the plague.  Guys fear female clinginess to the point of phobia and women spend obsessive amounts of time trying to decipher the meaning of those texts and messages.  No one wants to make a real adult effort to connect with anyone else.  We’re driven to online dating because it seems to be only way to date now since everyone is avoiding what has been the previous norm of dating. 
  
The thing is, deep conversations and flirting are sexy.  They just are.  There is irony in me saying this since I’m an introvert.  But that’s how important real conversations and flirting are.  Even introverts need conversation and flirting. Why do they?  Because during all of the flirting and deep conversations, looks are exchanged, non-verbal cues are given and pheromones are felt.  When did we forget this?  When did we stop teaching society this?  We’ve made meeting people and dating a lot harder than it has to be.  I almost feel forced to stick with online dating though.  There doesn’t seem to be any other alternative (and yes, I see the irony of me posting on a blog about this).  

I hate having to post what I post on my profile.  I hate having to be so blunt about what I’m looking for and what I’m not wanting in my life.  In the old world of dating, this stuff was found out through conversation.  I like being able to find this stuff out through conversation with someone.  I feel like nothing more than an advertisement with online dating.

The truth is, I never anticipated having to date again – especially not at the age I’m at.  I hadn’t paid attention to the demise of dating.  I hadn’t noticed how people have become so frightened of interaction.  

I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone.  I’d like to remarry, have a family and a home and just be normal.  After receiving the ninja email, though, staying single and celibate doesn’t sound quite as bad as it has.  If sheep herding ninjas are what I have to contend with, then a party of one it might stay….