I am unhappy. Not just a little blue or a little down....I am deeply unhappy and so dissatisfied with so much of my life. As I write this, I feel a twinge of worry about being judged for saying this out loud. These days, it isn't popular to admit you're anything other than upbeat, positive or optimistic. There is a societal pressure these days to be zen and positive and happy. All. The. Time. You're supposed to count your blessings and appreciate what you have and be grateful and forgiving and....blah, blah, blah.
But I am none of those things right now and I get a bit tired of pretending that I understand I should be. What I am is dissatisfied. Something is missing from my life. I'm not talking about a decent paycheck (which is definitely missing) or a significant other to love (also totally M.I.A.), but something deeper. I am missing whatever gives you meaning and purpose. I am missing inspiration. I am missing the thing that sparks all of the above things. I am missing myself and I can't keep doing what I'm doing anymore. Being this deeply dissatisfied is killing me. At a soul level. It's eating away at me and leaving me less than what I can be.
Because I'm overthinking introvert who spends a huge amount of time inside my own head, I have, of course, spent a huge amount of time pondering what I need to do to change all of this. I've thought back over who I've been in the various chapters of my life....viewed all of my various incarnations and tried to figure out what I miss the most about who I used to be. Which chapter of my life was I happiest in and why?
It would be simple to say that certain situations in my life left me happier than I am now. But I'm not sure that would be true. It's something more. Something bigger.
Here's the thing. As we get older, we get more cautious. We've seen cause and effect and experienced consequences for words and actions, so we choose more carefully, take fewer risks and stick with what's safe. Fear begins to dictate choices. Fear of the unknown, fear of something new, fear of fear, itself. And we allow things with the potential of making us happy slip by. What we do is say no.
I have a tendency to say no a lot....that is always my go to response. Sometimes my "no's" are out of laziness....sometimes they are out of fear...sometimes it's because (and this will sound so bad) I don't want to be emotionally inconvenienced. Occasionally, my no's are based on legit reasons - lack of money, conflict in time, etc. But I can't say that these legit reasons are the norm for me saying no.
In the last few weeks, Shonda Rhimes, the insanely successful writer and actress best known for Grey's Anatomy and Scandal (just two of her shows), released a book documenting a year of saying yes to the things that scared her. And this has intrigued me. Saying yes instead of saying no has intrigued me. She says it was life transforming. That taking risks and saying yes to the things that scared her changed her life. Her already hugely successful, fulfilling life. And now I want to do that. I want to take risks, say yes, and see if I can't dig myself out of the rut of unhappiness and dissatisfaction I find myself in now.
I've actually done several things this year that scared me. I gave a live TV interview last month (ABSOLUTELY TERRIFYING) and yesterday, I gave a history lecture to a group of people (again, I'm an introvert, so this was scary for me to do). I also kayaked with dolphins this year. Okay, the kayaking wasn't remotely scary, but seriously...I kayaked with dolphins. DOLPHINS!!! And yes, it was as awesome as you think. My point is, after I tackled what terrified me, I felt....accomplished. I felt stronger. And a little more centered. So....a year of yes.
I figure the year of yes should start on the traditional first day of the year, so starting on New Year's day, a year of yes. My goal is to blog about my experiences.
My warning....I may need to be reminded that I committed to saying yes. If you feel I need to be reminded, do it kindly. With nice words. No mocking. Something like, "hey, so do you remember when you said you'd say yes...?" And try to make sure that I understand if I say no, I'll be missing out on the biggest, most fun thing ever. Make me fear regret. With nice words. No mocking.
A year of yes.
*Disclaimer: I will not say yes to anything illegal, anything that can maim or kill me, anything that harms others, or green beans.
