I never used to think about my age. When I was married, I would occasionally joke about getting older but truly never focused on it that much. Now...my age gives me mild panic attacks. I'm 38 and I don't know what that age signifies on a lot of levels. I don't know how it's perceived by others...I don't know how I should act as a single, divorced 38 year old and I don't know how much age matters.
The thing is, I don't feel 38. And to be honest, I don't really look it (here's to hoping that trend continues as I get older). But I still feel like I'm racing against an unseen clock. I feel like I have a small window of time to end up where I want to end up - married again with a family. I have no interest in settling on anything or anyone other than who I'm meant to be with. I'm sure this is and will be the biggest impediment in my dating life (which is entirely nonexistent right now). I just know what I feel when I feel it and if I don't feel it, then I'm not interested. I almost wish I was the type of girl who was okay with settling but I never will be. I want real love - the kind with chemistry. I can't help but wonder what the odds are of ending up with the right person within what seems like a small of window of time. And will that person be okay with my age...?
Finally, if the odds of this aren't in my favor, will I be able to make peace with it? I don't know that age is just a number. It seems more like this looming ticking clock that leaves me feeling panicked and not just a little insecure.
