M'aidez

M'aidez is "help me" in French. Most of us know it as the universal emergency phrase for help, "may day". Which leads me to my topic for the day - me needing help and never being able to ask for it.

Asking for help is a nearly impossible thing for me to do. For as long as I can remember, I've equated asking for help with unnecessarily imposing on other people. There are a variety of reasons for this. The first reason involves how I was raised. I spent my formative years with parents who believed you don't talk about problems. You keep a stiff upper lip and stoically bear your problems privately because everyone has problems and life isn't always fair. The second reason is that I'm an introvert. It takes great effort for me to reach out on a good day, so reaching out when things are bad is that much more difficult. The last reason is that I've been terribly burned by people in the last few years and I can't convince myself to risk my feelings these days.

I struggle with this. It's not at all practical to be so opposed to asking for help, especially since the divorce. Things happen that can't always be handled alone. The best example is Hobbes getting sick recently (he survived and is doing fine...another story for another post). I truly didn't believe he was going to survive, though. After the first late night emergency vet visit, I realized that if I had to take him back in the middle of the night and he died, I would have to drive home in the middle of the night distraught. The emergency vet is 20-30 minutes from where I live. So, I made myself contact a friend and ask for help. Well, technically I asked if the worst happened, would he mind going with me. But even doing that was hard. I don't really know how to get past this. I don't know how to be ok with asking for help.

I can't spend the rest of my life being afraid of or opposed to reaching out to other people. Sigh. Asking for help....my kryptonite.