A Year of Yes

I am unhappy.  Not just a little blue or a little down....I am deeply unhappy and so dissatisfied with so much of my life.  As I write this, I feel a twinge of worry about being judged for saying this out loud.  These days, it isn't popular to admit you're anything other than upbeat, positive or optimistic.  There is a societal pressure these days to be zen and positive and happy. All. The. Time.  You're supposed to count your blessings and appreciate what you have and be grateful and forgiving and....blah, blah, blah.

But I am none of those things right now and I get a bit tired of pretending that I understand I should be. What I am is dissatisfied. Something is missing from my life.  I'm not talking about a decent paycheck (which is definitely missing) or a significant other to love (also totally M.I.A.), but something deeper.  I am missing whatever gives you meaning and purpose.  I am missing inspiration.  I am missing the thing that sparks all of the above things.  I am missing myself and I can't keep doing what I'm doing anymore.  Being this deeply dissatisfied is killing me.  At a soul level.  It's eating away at me and leaving me less than what I can be.

Because I'm overthinking introvert who spends a huge amount of time inside my own head, I have, of course, spent a huge amount of time pondering what I need to do to change all of this.  I've thought back over who I've been in the various chapters of my life....viewed all of my various incarnations and tried to figure out what I miss the most about who I used to be.  Which chapter of my life was I happiest in and why?

It would be simple to say that certain situations in my life left me happier than I am now. But I'm not sure that would be true.  It's something more.  Something bigger.

Here's the thing.  As we get older, we get more cautious.  We've seen cause and effect and experienced consequences for words and actions, so we choose more carefully, take fewer risks and stick with what's safe.  Fear begins to dictate choices.  Fear of the unknown, fear of something new, fear of fear, itself. And we allow things with the potential of making us happy slip by.  What we do is say no.

I have a tendency to say no a lot....that is always my go to response.  Sometimes my "no's" are out of laziness....sometimes they are out of fear...sometimes it's because (and this will sound so bad) I don't want to be emotionally inconvenienced.  Occasionally, my no's are based on legit reasons - lack of money, conflict in time, etc.   But I can't say that these legit reasons are the norm for me saying no.

In the last few weeks, Shonda Rhimes, the insanely successful writer and actress best known for Grey's Anatomy and Scandal (just two of her shows), released a book documenting a year of saying yes to the things that scared her.  And this has intrigued me.  Saying yes instead of saying no has intrigued me.  She says it was life transforming.  That taking risks and saying yes to the things that scared her changed her life. Her already hugely successful, fulfilling life.  And now I want to do that.  I want to take risks, say yes, and see if I can't dig myself out of the rut of unhappiness and dissatisfaction I find myself in now.

I've actually done several things this year that scared me.  I gave a live TV interview last month (ABSOLUTELY TERRIFYING) and yesterday, I gave a history lecture to a group of people (again, I'm an introvert, so this was scary for me to do).  I also kayaked with dolphins this year.  Okay, the kayaking wasn't remotely scary, but seriously...I kayaked with dolphins.  DOLPHINS!!! And yes, it was as awesome as you think. My point is, after I tackled what terrified me, I felt....accomplished.  I felt stronger.  And a little more centered.  So....a year of yes.

I figure the year of yes should start on the traditional first day of the year, so starting on New Year's day, a year of yes.  My goal is to blog about my experiences.

My warning....I may need to be reminded that I committed to saying yes.  If you feel I need to be reminded, do it kindly.  With nice words.  No mocking. Something like, "hey, so do you remember when you said you'd say yes...?"  And try to make sure that I understand if I say no, I'll be missing out on the biggest, most fun thing ever.  Make me fear regret.  With nice words.  No mocking.

A year of yes.

*Disclaimer:  I will not say yes to anything illegal, anything that can maim or kill me, anything that harms others, or green beans.

The Positivity Addiction

In June, Disney released a new Pixar movie called Inside Out about a little girl and her competing emotions.  The message of the movie is that negative emotions like sadness and anger have as much of an important place in our lives as happiness and joy and that forcing ourselves to be incessantly optimistic or pretending we're never unhappy isn't healthy or right.  Because of this message, one film critic is calling Inside Out "quietly revolutionary" and I couldn't agree more.

In the last several decades, our society has slowly shifted from maturely accepting that life involves experiencing a full range of emotions (including pain, difficulty, frustration and anger) to hyper-pressuring people into pretending everything is always okay, even when it isn't. There is now a huge amount of stress placed on ALWAYS being optimistic and positive and grateful and happy even when we aren't. And, to be perfectly honest, this Stepford approach to life has been creeping me out for quite a while now.

It's not that I don't enjoy being happy and having fun. I like being happy and laughing and having a good time as much as the next person. But I'm a realist who lives in a real world.  I have a firm understanding that life isn't always happy or easy or good and consequently it's okay to have negative emotions in response to difficult events and situations.  It's okay to be sad.  It's okay to be frustrated or angry.  And even though it's really unpleasant, it's okay to feel lost sometimes.  In fact, each person reading this will feel all of these emotions are some point in life.

What's not okay is tritely throwing out platitudes to people like "fake it until you make it" or "you just have to decide to be happy."  It's not okay to pathologically insist that others stay perpetually upbeat and optimistic. It's not okay to require others to pretend to be what they aren't just so that the rest of us are more emotionally comfortable....because that is what we're doing. Although there are definitely people in life we want to be happy strictly because we love them and want what's best for them, let's be honest; many times, we're convincing people to fake their feelings so that the rest of us won't feel emotionally inconvenienced. After all, it's uncomfortable to be around emotionally messy things in life.  There's some irony to this phenomenon, too. Pressuring others to fake feelings so that we're more comfortable is a selfish thing to do....and selfishness is a negative emotion.

A lot of people will read this and think I'm advocating only negativity or wallowing in unhappiness.  I'm really not.  There is absolutely a time and place for optimism and positivity and fun. And yes, you should pursue what makes you happy because ultimately, that pursuit will lead you to experience more good than bad. But it's okay if you have times when you don't feel happy. It's okay to have a rotten day.  It's normal to go through rotten times. It's okay to feel less than optimistic and positive as a result.

I'm not sure why we've shifted to such an addiction to positivity.  I don't know if it's because advances in technology are allowing us to become more and more anonymous and therefore, less connected to one another or maybe somewhere along the way, we've just gotten emotionally lazy.  Maybe we've simply stopped teaching people that negative emotions are normal and can be healthy learning tools.

What I do know, though, is that living a realistic and compassionate life requires the acknowledgement that we will feel something less than good at different points in our life....and so will the people around us. Maybe we could cut each other some slack, accept that life is a giant, messy ball of both good and bad and find a way to wean ourselves from needing to only hear good, easy, optimism.

Musings on Being 40

I turned 40 this year.  It was a massively annoying milestone.  I did not want this number to enter into my life yet.  It just seems so…final.  I’m officially middle aged and I hate the way that sounds.  Middle aged.   It just sounds so…old.   

I’ve spent the last several months mulling over this number and its implications.  Here are ten things I’ve realized about turning 40.

1.       I’m strangely more comfortable in my own skin.  It’s difficult to wrap my head around this because, let’s be honest, I’m not the hot young thing I was in my 20s. Gravity is beginning to be less than kind and I’m starting to notice more fine lines and wrinkles than ever before (in fact, there’s this one deep wrinkle on my forehead above my right eyebrow that taunts me every single morning. Where the hell did it come from?)  And frankly, if I didn’t color my hair, I would be half gray by now. But I can say unequivocally that I am less insecure with the way I look now than I was when I was younger.  I don’t know how or why this happens…why we can’t truly enjoy our bodies and the way we look when we are younger but for whatever reason, regardless of the lack of perfection and the ever encroaching results of gravity, I’m comfortable in my own skin in a way that I’ve never been before.  Go figure.

2.       Having said the above, I do notice the fine lines and wrinkles, the shifting of gravity, the gray hairs.  I also notice that I get heartburn more than I used to which makes me both constantly adjust my diet and keep Zantac in my purse at all times (and I religiously try not to eat after 6 or 7 at night).  You also start noticing hair growing in places it never grew before (hair removal products and tweezers will always be near at hand going forward in my life).  Anyway, maintenance has become a way of life.  Other female friends my age have said they’ve noticed the same things.  These are things that women don’t necessarily get warned about growing up. If you’re in your 20s reading this, buy stock in waxing products and make sure you own a great paid of tweezers.  No joke.

3.       I know who and what I am and what I want.  I know what I like and don’t like.  There has never been a time in my life that I’ve been able to be so sure of who I am.  Because of this certainty, I will never settle for people who cannot accept me exactly as I am.  Whether it be family, friends or romantic relationships, the most important thing for me is to be accepted and LIKED exactly as I am.  I have no interest in changing anyone and no interest in being changed.  I know who I am and I am fine the way I am.  Okay….I’m still neurotic.  But that’s fine.

4.       I’ve lost a good chunk of my ego and have gained humility.  I don’t know a better way to explain this except to say that by the time you’re 40, you have more than likely experienced great loss or major trauma.  You may have lost a marriage, a home, a job….maybe friends, family members, a pet or even your faith.  And if you haven’t experienced any of these by the age of 40, then you’ve watched people you care about experience them.  Pain and loss of any kind are humbling.  In the wake of bad things, your ego is stripped away and you are left with an appreciation for the simple grace found in between the moments of chaos.  You find yourself enjoying the small things a lot more because you realize that in the blink of an eye, you can be swept into long periods of pain and difficulty where those simple moments of grace are rare.  Losing ego allows you to laugh a little easier.  It grants you the ability to accept the mistakes you’ve made and take responsibility for them.  It teaches you to take things less personally far more often and to compartmentalize your feelings in way that serves you better. 

5.       The things I worry about today are more serious than what they used to be.  Financial issues take up a lot of my worries but I also think about my mortality more than I used to.  In the last ten years, I’ve watched old friends bury their parents.  Former classmates have passed away.  Various friends and acquaintances I know have battled serious illness (some have won their battles and others haven’t).  I no longer worry about how I am perceived or judged by others.  I no longer worry about if I am “cool” or not (I’m not and never have been).  What I worry about today is tangible and important.  What I haven’t learned is how not to worry….

6.       Having strong friendships is more important to me now.  I understand that I need connection with people I care about and trust.  I need their honesty and their sense of humor and emotional support. My friends and I are completely inappropriate.  We have conversations about things that in mixed company would be embarrassing for most people….but in our own mixed company, it works.  I’m lucky to say that I have a closer network of friends at 40 than at any other time in my life. I learned the hard way that relationships come and go but good friendships last and are worth their weight in gold. 

7.       There are things that annoy me now more than they used to.  An example.  I was walking into a grocery store the other day and walking in front of me was a young woman with shorts so short that her ass cheeks were hanging out.  All I could think was, “for Pete’s sake, cover yourself up.” There was a time I probably wouldn’t have noticed this or if I had noticed, it wouldn’t have bothered me.  But now all I can think is that I have no desire to see someone’s ass cheeks at the grocery store.  Another example.  I don’t like modern art.  It’s just pretentious and annoying.  I can’t stand going through a modern art exhibit because the entire time I’m thinking that what I’m looking at isn’t art. Modern art puts me in a bad mood.  Yes, I know.  Pretty soon, I’ll be standing outside my house, shaking my cane and screaming, “Get off my lawn!”

8.       Sleep is SO important.  I can’t stress how important it is.  There’s a lot I’m willing to turn down if it’s in competition with a good night’s sleep.  A good time to me is putting clean sheets on the bed and going to sleep before 10 o’clock (see also my previous FB status).  I love a good night’s sleep the way I love a good glass of wine or a great dessert.  Sleep is the new black.

9.       I’m strong .  I’ve been through some serious crap and I’m still standing.  I know that no matter how bad things get, I’ll survive.  I may not know how I’ll survive and I may be pissed off about having to go through more crap, but I’ll survive.  And God help the person who tries to get in the way of that.

10.   My tastes have changed more in the last few years than they ever have before.  I drink coffee now (I used to hate coffee).  I enjoy Indian food these days.  I’ve discovered a love of Turkish and Moroccan decor (it’s the lush, decadent colors and fabrics I love).  I’m shamelessly addicted to Pinterest.  I like wearing my hair longer now (I used to keep it shorter).  There are so many things I appreciate more now than in the past.

So, this is 40.  For better or for worse, here’s to being over the hill…. (this is a bad blog ending but I got tired of writing....lol)

Remembering

During my married years, I had a best friend.  We talked frequently, hung out together and she and her husband were the couple my ex and I spent time with.  My ex was her daughter's godfather.  For nearly 13 years, she was a daily part of my life and we talked about everything.  I was there for her through two very difficult pregnancies, her own marital issues, in-law issues and at least the first half of her battle with thyroid cancer.  But then my divorce happened....

I can't quite explain what happened except to say I very much needed a support system during a very, very painful time and she didn't have much support to give (or seemingly much desire to be emotionally supportive).  And my response to what I deemed to be a fairly callous conversation one dark, stormy, very lonely night was to walk away and not look back.  I very much believe Maya Angelou's quote, "when people show you who they are, believe them."  Throughout our friendship, I hadn't had a lot of dire problems, but she had.  I felt that I'd been there for her many, many times over the years and had expected some semblance of the same support during my most difficult time.  And when it was made clear that that wouldn't happen, out of self-preservation, I cut my losses and walked away. 

Technically, she had been my ex's friend first.  I met her through him.  And I had always known that if the marriage went south, then the friendship would probably head that direction, too.  In retrospect, I also recognize that she wasn't terribly surprised by the divorce either.  When I called her to tell her, she showed no surprise whatsoever.  So I assume she knew it was coming before I did.  That's neither here nor there, though.

The point of this is that from time to time, I miss her.  A lot. From time to time, I look her up on Facebook to see how's she doing.  It's now been years since we've spoken and there's so much water under the bridge that going back isn't possible.  But that doesn't keep me from wondering how she and her family are doing.  And it doesn't keep me from questioning if walking away was the right thing to do.  At the time, I was in so much pain that I just didn't have it in me to try to manage the turbulence that occurred.  I wasn't focused enough or emotionally present enough to find a better solution.  Having said this, however, if the same situation presented itself today, I'm not sure my choice would be that different. 

As much as I miss her, I'm not sure we could have remained friends regardless of what happened.  Truth be told, I'm not who I was all those years ago when we were friends.  I doubt she'd like me very much now.  I'm someone else today - completely different from who I once was. I'm not even sure she'd recognize me if she saw me.  And the fact that she's still married with kids living a settled life and I'm single and still struggling to find myself puts the distance between us even further. 

Anyway, we had a fun friendship for a really long time and there are days when I really miss her and our friendship.  Today was one of those days. 

I hope she's doing well.  I hope her kids are thriving and doing well. And hopefully she feels the same about me.

I think I'll always miss the friendship, though.

Resolutions

1.  Archery - I gave archery a try over the summer and really enjoyed it.  I'd like to take it up as a hobby (or a sport?) and I know that there's an archery range where I'm moving.  This year seems like a good time to give it a go.

2. Fencing.  I've long wanted to try fencing.  Sword fighting just looks fun and really kind of kick ass.  The historian in me loves the idea of it.  I'm going to try to fit it in this year.

3.  I'd like to fit it a foreign language but this may be far too ambitious.  I wouldn't mind perfecting my French or learning Italian or German or even Gaelic.  I just don't know that this is a legitimate goal for this list. We'll see.

 4.  Some fun road trips with friends.  I love travel and I love road trips.  It's been far too long since I've done either.  This year seems like the year to change that. 

5.  To worry less.  I have no idea how to accomplish this.  I'm a natural worrier and I don't have faith easily.

6. To come to acceptance or make peace with the fact that I'm single and will likely remain so.  I don't enjoy being single, but...on a good day, I'm complicated.  And I have a hell of lot of emotional baggage. I think there are plenty of good things about me but combining my complications and emotional baggage with my very strong, opinionated personality...well, it would take a very brave man with the patience of a saint to take me on. I would have to get brave, too....or at least be inspired enough to try to be brave. I would have to be given reason to have faith in someone again and that's asking a lot of another person.  It seems unfair to expect someone to prove themselves and yet that's what it would take.  I wish I could be one of those non-introspective people who jump willy-nilly from one relationship to the next without a second thought, though.  Lots of people do it every day.  The minute they get single, they start looking for the next relationship, rebounding over and over again. I can't seem to do that.  Anyway, coming to acceptance is a goal. 

7.  And finally, find a way to like the idea of turning 40.  Turning 40 is incredibly scary.  I really had no idea how freaked out I would be by a number.  I've had people over the years tell me that their 40's were a really great period in their life.  That they felt stronger, more confident and more comfortable in their own skin.  I'm really hoping these things are true.  So, maybe this year, I can find a reason to like turning 40. 

These are my resolutions....I think. 

2014 and Going On 40

First things first.  I'm moving.  Again.  I'm going back to central Arkansas and for a lot of reasons, I'm happy about it.  The next three weeks are going to be crazy and hectic. I hope I make it through in one piece.  I think each new move I make takes something out of me. Moving around so much at this point in my life is exhausting.  It just is.  I'm starting to feel old and I want to be settled.  I want a home.  I'm tired of moving and being so up in the air about everything.  So, I'm really hoping this will be my last move for a very, very long time.

This last year has been....bizarre.  And flat out crazy at times.  At least for me.  I had high hopes for my move here and they didn't pan out.  For many years, my life was calm, normal, predictable and drama free.  I've paid for that in spades over the last year. I managed to fit what felt like a lifetime of problems and complications into a very short period. It was an eventful year, to say the least. I put my cat to sleep, got into a major car wreck (and a smaller fender bender this week), lost a job that I was ultimately relieved to lose, dealt with endless rental problems, discovered a love of coffee, started wearing glasses (which I needed more than I wanted to admit), worked in a profession I had no background in but ended up really enjoying (the really great people helped that), published some articles as a result of that job, watched far, far too much Netflix, discovered that a good hammock can cure the blues from time to time and unsuccessfully tried to come to terms with turning 40 soon. This is actually the short list.  There are other things I'm not comfortable blogging about. 

In recent days, I've been thinking about making New Year's resolutions for the first time.  I considered it last year but ultimately didn't.  I'm not great on the follow through, so resolutions always seem pointless.  However, as I mentioned above, I'm turning 40 this year....actually in just a few months. Forty is a milestone. A scary, intimidating, mid-life crisis inducing milestone that is freaking me out more than I care to admit.  I can't say it's making me any more introspective than what I normally am (I'm already introspective to the point of neurotic).  It's just that I'm starting to feel old.  Anyway, making some resolutions might help me find a way to come to terms with 40. 

Resolutions to come...

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A Teachable Moment

(read the whole thing before getting angry)

Over the last few weeks, I've watched the soap opera of Paula Deen and the unraveling of her empire with some interest.  I wasn't remotely surprised that she'd used the "n" word.  She's an older white southerner who grew up in a segregated society and came of age in the midst of the battle over integration.  It would have been far more surprising for her not to have used the word. And I'm not remotely surprised about the unraveling of her empire either.

As a society, we like watching people being torn down. We seem to take great glee in the process of tearing something or someone down and when given the choice between learning/growing and ruination, we generally go for ruination.  We like to be dragged to our lessons kicking and screaming.
And although I recognize that this is her own doing, I'm not sure I agree with the outcome of ruination.

Let me first say that I have never and will never use that word.  No joke - I never have and never will. It's an ugly, mean-spirited, hurtful word that should never be used.  In fact, the word always makes me cringe.  It especially makes me cringe when African-Americans use it with each other. I know the sacrifices made by Civil Rights leaders and workers in the fight for basic human rights.  Whenever I hear the "n" word tossed about amongst African-Americans, I think of Dr. King and Medgar Evars and Rosa Parks.  I think about their sacrifices and the bravery it took to stand firm in a very vulnerable position whilst in the middle of a storm of hatred.  I think of the dedication it took to take that stand and make that fight and I think about the lives lost for the sake of the possibility of something better for future generations. And it bothers me that the "n" word - a word that generations of African-Americans had to fight against - is used so casually by some African-Americans today. 

But when it comes to whites using this word....let's be honest.  There's only one reason why whites use this particular racial slur (or really any slur).  It's used because some people seem to need a hierarchy to feel good about themselves.  The people who use this word use it because it reinforces in them a rather sad need to be superior to somebody.  When they're feeling anything negative about themselves or their lives, they tell themselves, "well, at least I'm not [fill in the blank with whatever a person finds inferior]." A hierarchy makes people feel secure. It makes them feel like they matter more than others. It makes them feel important when really they're no different than anyone else. Ultimately, the "n" word is used in anger....it's used to cause pain....it's used to establish superiority.  There's nothing excusable about that.

Regardless, I don't think ripping apart Paul Deen and her Southern fried empire is the right answer. This could have been a teachable moment - both for her and for an entire generation of older white Americans who managed to ignore the lessons put forth to them half a century ago.  This could have been a moment for sincere discussion about race in America. Instead, it's turned into societal demolition crew with one side turning her into a poor, picked-on martyr and the other side intent on destruction.  And she stands in the middle with what apparently is genuine surprise about why this is even an issue.

I don't think Deen has bad intentions, I do think she is woefully (and rather blissfully) ignorant about racial issues. Like many whites, Deen has been somewhat sheltered from the ugly and oftentimes painful realities of being on the receiving end of racial prejudice.  She's never been forced to imagine what it must be like to be viewed as something less than.  But then again, most whites haven't. 

Watching her cringe-worthy interview, I was left with the question, "what exactly does she think racism is?"  Clearly she doesn't have a realistic take on what's racist and what isn't.  Having a antebellum plantation themed wedding with an all black wait staff?  Oh, come on! Are you kidding me?! This shows a huge disconnect from reality. If ever there was a time in this woman's life for a "let's get real" conversation, this it it.  She's not the only one needing this long overdue conversation either.  Again, there's an huge group of people who support Deen and what she said. But we aren't doing that.  As usual, we're taking sides and taking swipes and refusing to address the long-standing problem at hand. 

The thing is, Deen will rise again.  As much as we love tearing people down, we also love a good hardscrabble story of someone losing everything only to climb back to the top through hard work, tears and sweat.  We love the gumption of someone getting knocked down and getting back up again. So after a period of time, she'll get back up again and go forward.  But I'm still left with the question, will she have actually learned anything from this?  Or will she just move forward still baffled and surprised by the uproar her ignorance caused?

A teachable moment indeed.