I'm having a hard time with envy these days. It's not a feeling I've ever been comfortable with so I've actively tried to avoid it over the years. But I don't seem to be able to do that right now. I envy people who aren't alone...people with families....people with kids....people my age who live in suburbs and live normal married lives and participate in normal married life kinds of things. And it's not a little envy either - it's gotten to be huge and all encompassing. I'm actually, for the first time in my life, having a hard time being happy for other people. I can't look at other people's family photos and videos....hear funny stories about their kids.... listen to them talk about vacations with their spouses without feeling envious. I feel incredibly guilty about the jealousy.
I've never really approved of envy. It's such a pointless emotion. There's never a positive outcome with it. But I can't shake it. I'm not remotely proud of myself. Like I said, along with the envy, I feel guilt and I feel bad about not being happy for other people. And then it hits me that I might be spending the rest of my life alone....and envy hits again.
I battle this every day now. Rationally I know that this envy is based in fear...fear that my life won't get better...fear that I will be forever alone....fear that I'll be struggling in a lot of different ways for years and years and that the struggling won't ever give way to something better.
It's been a long year and a half.
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